Update

Doing much, much better today. Thanks in large part to John Mayer, WoW, and Kelli



:)

On A Day Like Today

Today I had a lot of time on my hands, considering I left my apartment twice [and only to play piano], and I came to some realizations. They are as follows:

1. Provo, UT is the worst place is the world. It's filled with fakes, hypocrites, liars, and egotists. I hate it here. Honestly, I am counting down the days until I go to Boston [67 days]

2. I have absolutely no fucking friends here. I have a bunch of people who either use me, or tolerate me. I can't decide which is worse. I'm tired of dealing with the constant bull shit of a couple guys who depend on themselves to have friends, have no friends outside of themselves, and can't man up to their own struggles so they dump their shit on me. Fuck that. That's bull. I'm done with them. And, I swear to God, I'm tired of being the guy who gets texted when no one else is available. That's also bull shit. If you were my fucking friend, you'd call me and be like "Hey Ryan, we're doing something tonight, you should come." not "Hey Ryan I'm bored come over and entertain me until my real friends are available." This all goes back to number one, cause apparently you have to be an absolute douche bag to live in Provo.

3. I seriously deal with too much shit for a 19 year old. Not only do I have to worry about paying my own bills and getting rid of debt I got myself into, I have to deal with the bitching of my Dad, who complains about how I screwed him when it comes to ME giving him MY car. Screw that. If YOU hadn't bitched out and married some slut, maybe YOU wouldn't have the fucking problems you have now. It's not my fault you bought a $500 dollar a month car, it's not my fault you got fired, deal with your own fucking issues and keep me out of it.

4. You know, after sitting in my apartment thinking about how much my life sucks, I came to the realization that I'm so fucked, I couldn't even kill myself. No joke. I don't have a gun, or a knife, or a car, or rope, or fucking anything. I don't have the money to get any of that. I'm THAT fucked. Plus, I worry so much about my family, I don't think I could do it, because It would just add on to the pile of shit they already worry about. And yes, I actually thought about it. And no, don't call me all worried, I don't want to hear it.

5. I'm seriously thinking about leaving the church. I mean no one even gives a fuck about me anyways, why the hell am I even going? I mean I get no help from ANYONE in my church, because they're all such self centered ass holes they can't think to care about someone else. I'm not saying I don't believe it, I believe in the church, but the members just tend to fuck it up. Which is probably the same of any church. So I think I'm done with that.

6. Outside of family, ONE person is exempt from all of this. Kind of. Because when I think about it, I don't think you really care about me too. You're just like who I talked about in #2. I only cling to the hope you actually care.


End all, I'm just going to sit in my tower for the next 67 days. I might as well. I have my keyboard, I have my computer, I'll outlast all this bullshit until I move. Then I'm washing my hands clean of Utah.

Penguins anyone?

Sometimes

You find a song you can connect with.

Six numbers, one more to dial
Before I'm before you
I tried to call
Been busy all night
Gave up waiting at daylight

Excuse me Mrs. Busybody
Could you pencil me in when you can
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me

ohhhhh...
I am the man on the side
Hoping you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man on the side

One of the many
One of the few
To stand back and wait for you

Excuse me Mrs. Busybody
Could you pencil me in when you can
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me, if you wanted me

ohhhh...
I am the man on the side
Hoping you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man on the side
Life as the man on the side

I fell in love with the dream that I built of you
Playing the part of the queen
Taking my own advice
I'm giving up tonight
Good luck to you and the king

Excuse me Mrs. Busybody
Could you pencil me in
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me, if you wanted me

ohhhhh....
I am the man on the side
Hoping you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man
You know life as the man
Living life as the man on the side

The "V-day" Effect Fuses w/ Karma

I'll open up by saying, I have no idea why I am awake. I've worked 54 hours thus far, and I'm working another 9 today and 12 tomorrow. That said, I should be sleeping. But here I am, writing this blog, because someone thought it would be fun to text me explaining why we don't talk at midnight. Not cool. All in all, Valentines day was alright until it got dark, when it unexpectedly turned from V-day to "Single Awareness Day". Which sucked. I don't know, maybe I'm a sucker, but sitting there with a bunch of guys just didn't do it for me. I got lonely to the point where I went to sleep, eventually leading here.

I don't know why I get lonely. Honestly, it never ever happened until after I dated Lisa. Ever since then, I feel like there is this void in my life that needs to be filled in, and I'll fill it in with whatever, a girlfriend, a hook up, whatever, the point is I have this emotional need for some kind of attention from the opposite sex. And I'm not talking about having friends. I have friend that are girls, and that's cool, but I'm beginning to realize that my past decisions are really coming to back to haunt me.

As well as having this void, thanks to my previous relationship I'm now 100% more cautious when it comes to the opposite sex. I look at some situations I've been in recently, and I know that a year or two ago I would have been a little more reckless and pushed for what I wanted. I don't really know if this is a bad thing, I don't like the idea of pushing myself on anyone, I think if they me and I like them things will just mush together eventually. My opportunities are just so far between here, my mind tends to say things like, "Ryan don't screw this one up, you're running out of chances." It sucks. I can sit two feet from a person I'm interested in, and I'll be scared to do anything that could be detrimental to my chances. I'm afraid to take risks. But that's part of the whole process. You have to take risks. I just psyche myself out, because I have this thought in the back of my head that I'm either going to get shot down or that's not what the person wants.

What really sucks is this fear takes away me from being me. I'm not the guy who's super cautious. I used to be able to just go snuggle up to anyone who was willing to. Now I can't, unless it's someone I've done it with before. I'm in such a paradox right now, because I'm too scared to do anything, but I need to do something. I need to fill that void. I can't be myself around anyone I'm really interested in. It's like I have this dooms day clock ticking in my head. Every opportunity I lose means I have less opportunities. None of this, "There are plenty fish in the sea." It's more like, "I'm the fish in the aquarium at the pet store that doesn't get bought and if it doesn't get bought soon, it'll find itself floating upside down."

Just the scattered, hopeless, mental meanderings of a 19 year old guy who isn't afraid to admit he needs someone.

Celebration of Valentines Day

Cause for Celebration

Gary, long thought the spawn of Satan, is going to the state hospital.


Nothing can ruin my day.

Say

Mmm Good

This Album is sseexxx