The "V-day" Effect Fuses w/ Karma

I'll open up by saying, I have no idea why I am awake. I've worked 54 hours thus far, and I'm working another 9 today and 12 tomorrow. That said, I should be sleeping. But here I am, writing this blog, because someone thought it would be fun to text me explaining why we don't talk at midnight. Not cool. All in all, Valentines day was alright until it got dark, when it unexpectedly turned from V-day to "Single Awareness Day". Which sucked. I don't know, maybe I'm a sucker, but sitting there with a bunch of guys just didn't do it for me. I got lonely to the point where I went to sleep, eventually leading here.

I don't know why I get lonely. Honestly, it never ever happened until after I dated Lisa. Ever since then, I feel like there is this void in my life that needs to be filled in, and I'll fill it in with whatever, a girlfriend, a hook up, whatever, the point is I have this emotional need for some kind of attention from the opposite sex. And I'm not talking about having friends. I have friend that are girls, and that's cool, but I'm beginning to realize that my past decisions are really coming to back to haunt me.

As well as having this void, thanks to my previous relationship I'm now 100% more cautious when it comes to the opposite sex. I look at some situations I've been in recently, and I know that a year or two ago I would have been a little more reckless and pushed for what I wanted. I don't really know if this is a bad thing, I don't like the idea of pushing myself on anyone, I think if they me and I like them things will just mush together eventually. My opportunities are just so far between here, my mind tends to say things like, "Ryan don't screw this one up, you're running out of chances." It sucks. I can sit two feet from a person I'm interested in, and I'll be scared to do anything that could be detrimental to my chances. I'm afraid to take risks. But that's part of the whole process. You have to take risks. I just psyche myself out, because I have this thought in the back of my head that I'm either going to get shot down or that's not what the person wants.

What really sucks is this fear takes away me from being me. I'm not the guy who's super cautious. I used to be able to just go snuggle up to anyone who was willing to. Now I can't, unless it's someone I've done it with before. I'm in such a paradox right now, because I'm too scared to do anything, but I need to do something. I need to fill that void. I can't be myself around anyone I'm really interested in. It's like I have this dooms day clock ticking in my head. Every opportunity I lose means I have less opportunities. None of this, "There are plenty fish in the sea." It's more like, "I'm the fish in the aquarium at the pet store that doesn't get bought and if it doesn't get bought soon, it'll find itself floating upside down."

Just the scattered, hopeless, mental meanderings of a 19 year old guy who isn't afraid to admit he needs someone.