On A Day Like Today

Today I had a lot of time on my hands, considering I left my apartment twice [and only to play piano], and I came to some realizations. They are as follows:

1. Provo, UT is the worst place is the world. It's filled with fakes, hypocrites, liars, and egotists. I hate it here. Honestly, I am counting down the days until I go to Boston [67 days]

2. I have absolutely no fucking friends here. I have a bunch of people who either use me, or tolerate me. I can't decide which is worse. I'm tired of dealing with the constant bull shit of a couple guys who depend on themselves to have friends, have no friends outside of themselves, and can't man up to their own struggles so they dump their shit on me. Fuck that. That's bull. I'm done with them. And, I swear to God, I'm tired of being the guy who gets texted when no one else is available. That's also bull shit. If you were my fucking friend, you'd call me and be like "Hey Ryan, we're doing something tonight, you should come." not "Hey Ryan I'm bored come over and entertain me until my real friends are available." This all goes back to number one, cause apparently you have to be an absolute douche bag to live in Provo.

3. I seriously deal with too much shit for a 19 year old. Not only do I have to worry about paying my own bills and getting rid of debt I got myself into, I have to deal with the bitching of my Dad, who complains about how I screwed him when it comes to ME giving him MY car. Screw that. If YOU hadn't bitched out and married some slut, maybe YOU wouldn't have the fucking problems you have now. It's not my fault you bought a $500 dollar a month car, it's not my fault you got fired, deal with your own fucking issues and keep me out of it.

4. You know, after sitting in my apartment thinking about how much my life sucks, I came to the realization that I'm so fucked, I couldn't even kill myself. No joke. I don't have a gun, or a knife, or a car, or rope, or fucking anything. I don't have the money to get any of that. I'm THAT fucked. Plus, I worry so much about my family, I don't think I could do it, because It would just add on to the pile of shit they already worry about. And yes, I actually thought about it. And no, don't call me all worried, I don't want to hear it.

5. I'm seriously thinking about leaving the church. I mean no one even gives a fuck about me anyways, why the hell am I even going? I mean I get no help from ANYONE in my church, because they're all such self centered ass holes they can't think to care about someone else. I'm not saying I don't believe it, I believe in the church, but the members just tend to fuck it up. Which is probably the same of any church. So I think I'm done with that.

6. Outside of family, ONE person is exempt from all of this. Kind of. Because when I think about it, I don't think you really care about me too. You're just like who I talked about in #2. I only cling to the hope you actually care.


End all, I'm just going to sit in my tower for the next 67 days. I might as well. I have my keyboard, I have my computer, I'll outlast all this bullshit until I move. Then I'm washing my hands clean of Utah.