The "Epiphany" Blog

I won't say I've had an epiphany, it's just that this is the blog where I say, Oh, I've learned this and that and I'm so thankful for these people and how much I've changed. All that gibberish.

Here's the thing. I've grown a lot since I moved. I've been happier. I mean I've had some struggles, and I've done some really stupid things, but I feel like I've come out on top. A lot has changed about me, some people would say in a negative way. I think a lot of that has to do with me not going to church, or not really going along with the church standards and what not. That is true, but I don't shun the church. I haven't asked to have my name removed from the records or anything. I just don't need that part of my life anymore (for the time being at least). I know that's not how you approach it, you don't just go back when it's convenient to you. I think I'll live.

The thing is, deep inside me, I know that a lot of the things I was taught when I was younger are good things, and I still stick to a lot of those ideas. Just because I drink or have sex, or support gays, doesn't mean I've abandoned my history. I haven't forgotten the experiences I've had. I still reflect on those times when I need to. And I think that is what it's all about at the end of the day.

So you (if there is a you), might sit there and be like, "Ryan has really changed" and truth be told I really haven't. I'm still me, I've just let more of me come to light.

Anyways, here I am, wondering what I should do with my life. I can't live with my sister forever, I gotta do something with myself. I sit around my house and read, and sometimes write. And that's good, but what can I DO with that. I still can't afford school, I feel like I make less out here than I did in UT, but maybe I'm just spending more. It's like I sit here, and I write a joke I think is funny, and I think to myself, "Could you do that? Could you do comedy?" And then I think, "No, people say you sound like Dane Cook already, you'd get destroyed." But why not, why not find an open mic and try out some material? Why not do something with music, find someone and just jam out some stuff? Why not send The New Yorker some poems, or any magizine, and try and get published? Why not write a novel?

I think I just lack motivation. I'm content to sit and read, then go work at my job. I really might look into the comedy thing, we'll see how it goes.