Sitting on the Edge of the World...

Sometimes life throws you immense curve balls. We're talking you've got a 3-2 count and you know he's going to bring heat down the middle and he throws a Barry Zito status curve and you can do nothing but listen to the sound of the ball hitting the catchers glove and walk back to the dug out blinking. I mean things were chugging along nicely, and all of the sudden I slid my car into a curb. This ends up costing $350, which you don't have cause you're financially retarded and bought a camera [that you need when it boils down to it, but priorities]. Then you find out a sheriff showed up at your apartment and you have an outstanding warrant for your arrest, so you call the guy and head to the justice department and HAVE to over draw your account or you're going to jail. This blows. Then your Dad decides to drop "UVSC has been calling and sending mail" and you end up owing like $1,700 to them. Did I mention rent is due next week? Yeah that's another $300. Then, you figure what the hell lets check what the credit card balance is. OH. $988? That's it? Hmm. That puts me $3,500 in the shits over the last week. I make $1,000 a month, $300 for rent, $70 for my phone, and we'll say $100 for gas and $100 for food. That's $570. So I have $430 to spare. Rounding up with interest, it'll take me ten months to pay all my shit living how I am now. That puts me at Dec. 08/Jan 09 Debt free. Which puts me in school Spring 2009. Which puts me back in debt god only knows how much, unless I manage to get a grant. Which, generaly speaking means I wasted somewhere around 12,000 dollars between graduating and actually, legitimatly starting college. Almost 3 years. Yeah. So this all crashes on me. Then we factor in the fact that my Dad probably makes the same, give or take, as me and has a $500 a month car, which will be gone in the coming months, which means the Jetta goes to him. Which means I need another car, which with my credit means I'm fucked. I really just want to escape to Boston, but honestly that won't escape my situation here. I still haven't gotten a call back from the movie theater, which I can't prove my citizenship for anyways cause my SSCard and Birth Certificate are in storage in CA, and heaven only knows when this will be available for my access. Probably never. So it's come down to me finding at least one more job, possibly two. So, generously, I'll be working 80 hours a week, for what I'm guess is less then $8 an hour. We'll say I get 3 jobs, $8 p/h, work 40 then 20 and 20, that puts me at $1280 bi-weekly, $1900 when I take off costs of living. This pays off my crap by summer.

All of this doesn't even solve MY problem. MY problem is I hate Utah. I hate it here. HATE. Everything about it. Honestly. The smallest little things just bug the hell out of me. I need to leave. NEED. The thing is I don't want to come back if I leave. Nothing makes me want to be here. I mean, I have a couple friends here, but that's it. I can count the people i hang out with on a weekly basis on one hand. I'm 19, I think that number should be a little bit bigger. Just a wee bit. My social life pertains to going over to either Nate's or Jana's and just sitting there, watching movies or TV or whatever. I mean I've been out on one legit date since May, and it was an IOU situation. I mean, I honestly almost think it might have been worth it to just move to Washington. At least I wouldn't be surrounded by constant douche-baggery there. Well I would be, but a different kind of douche-baggery. Honestly, I don't even know what the hell I'm doing. I mean, I have my shinning little career goal, and it's I know via professional help that it is the appropriate career choice. But getting to that goal is becoming more and more difficult.

SO as I sit here, spewing all of this nonsense to the handful of people who actually give a crap, I just want to make sure one thing is completely clear. I don't want any freaking help solving my problems. I'm 19, I've been on my own for a year and a half, I got myself into this. I'm getting myself out. I don't want money. If you send me money, it's going to the first homeless person I find. And I know where they hang out in Provo. I mean, if you must, send me giant ass boxes of pop tarts and rice krispies treats. But at least wait till I finish the other one! I'm going to figure this out, and whether it takes 5 months or 10, I'm going to be alright. I just wish I could figure this out somewhere NOT Provo. [If you are going to provide me with non financial help, you can try I guess]