As The Dust Settles...

Well It's been a little while, and you can say I'm holding out. If by holding out you mean I'm bipolar, and while half the time I'm my usual self, the other half I'm depressed. And it shows. I have people ask me what's up, and I try to avoid explaining, cause I'm over explaining things. Especially cause I'm honest, and even though I've heard things now, I still say only what I know. But anyways. One person has been here consistently for me, he always is. John Mayer. I swear on everything holy and unholy, this guy's music has saved my life. I don't care if that's gay or whatever, it's true. Other people (ones I know personally) have been supportive too, and thanks to all of you. It's really crazy how people I don't talk to much have reached out to me. It's awesome.
Unfortunately, I'm still lonely, I still only hang out with the guys. And Jana. But mostly the guys. Which isn't exactly up lifting, it's like an orgy of verbal threats and sexual innuendos. Which I love for some reasons and hate for others. There isn't someone I can disclose all of my feelings with, Afton was that person, and now she's not talking to me. I mean, I'm not exactly reaching out to her, but I've tried, and it seems like she doesn't want to make the effort. I'm cool with this. I mean I still open my phone to text her when something I know only she'd think was funny happens, but I just put the phone away eventually. It's funny that the people I can usually talk to about anything either A) Don't talk to me anymore/Don't want to talk to me anymore, or B) Only want to talk about themselves. Forget that, that's just a waste of my time. Crazy how some people have changed. I'm sure they'd say the same about me.
I'm re-considering the whole mission thing, but I don't think it's going to happen. I need to go to school. And I know my mission will benefit me, but honestly, I rather have half of my degree done. I should have half done by next Spring, but circumstances you know? Well that's life. I sort of want to bail on the whole school thing and pursue something dumb, like music. But I don't have the skill so I won't let myself do it. Sure, I could. I really know I could. But if I was to do that, I'd have to be 100% dedicated. THAT is where I struggle. Hey, I have the same problem with school.
So as for my future right now, I'm working until next fall, then I'll re-enroll, hopefully with enough money to pay for half of my schooling. If I get another job, I'll try to get in sooner then that. I just don't want to work full time and go to school. I tried that, it doesn't work to well. Anyways yeah.