Epic

Wow. I just did what was possible the most impulsive thing in my life. I went and kissed a girl I'd never met. This is why you don't challenge me. I'm freaking epic. That is all.

Lies

Karma is a b. I totally got lied to. I had heard things, but I just talked to the source. There is no way he is lying. So yeah, whoever thinks I'm a jerk or whatever for cheating, guess what, I got cheated on like a month before that. I can't believe I almost moved, I can't believe I felt so guilty about what happened between me and someone I have no feelings for. "Do you think it's possible to love two people at once?" No. It's not. I'm glad I'm not talking to her right now. I really am. Cause I lied once, and you lied continuously for the entire period of our relationship.

Piano

I freaking love the piano. I wrote a song, and I have a melody and I have it pat. But then my alter ego wants to turn it into glorified hip hop. What to do...I might post the song on here (probably just the piano, I don't want to torture people with my voice).


Happy Thanksgiving!

As The Dust Settles...

Well It's been a little while, and you can say I'm holding out. If by holding out you mean I'm bipolar, and while half the time I'm my usual self, the other half I'm depressed. And it shows. I have people ask me what's up, and I try to avoid explaining, cause I'm over explaining things. Especially cause I'm honest, and even though I've heard things now, I still say only what I know. But anyways. One person has been here consistently for me, he always is. John Mayer. I swear on everything holy and unholy, this guy's music has saved my life. I don't care if that's gay or whatever, it's true. Other people (ones I know personally) have been supportive too, and thanks to all of you. It's really crazy how people I don't talk to much have reached out to me. It's awesome.
Unfortunately, I'm still lonely, I still only hang out with the guys. And Jana. But mostly the guys. Which isn't exactly up lifting, it's like an orgy of verbal threats and sexual innuendos. Which I love for some reasons and hate for others. There isn't someone I can disclose all of my feelings with, Afton was that person, and now she's not talking to me. I mean, I'm not exactly reaching out to her, but I've tried, and it seems like she doesn't want to make the effort. I'm cool with this. I mean I still open my phone to text her when something I know only she'd think was funny happens, but I just put the phone away eventually. It's funny that the people I can usually talk to about anything either A) Don't talk to me anymore/Don't want to talk to me anymore, or B) Only want to talk about themselves. Forget that, that's just a waste of my time. Crazy how some people have changed. I'm sure they'd say the same about me.
I'm re-considering the whole mission thing, but I don't think it's going to happen. I need to go to school. And I know my mission will benefit me, but honestly, I rather have half of my degree done. I should have half done by next Spring, but circumstances you know? Well that's life. I sort of want to bail on the whole school thing and pursue something dumb, like music. But I don't have the skill so I won't let myself do it. Sure, I could. I really know I could. But if I was to do that, I'd have to be 100% dedicated. THAT is where I struggle. Hey, I have the same problem with school.
So as for my future right now, I'm working until next fall, then I'll re-enroll, hopefully with enough money to pay for half of my schooling. If I get another job, I'll try to get in sooner then that. I just don't want to work full time and go to school. I tried that, it doesn't work to well. Anyways yeah.

Bleh

Shower+Cry=better day

False Hopes and Promises

I find it silly that there are always promises and false hopes at the end of a relationship. EX. Oh we'll always be friends and we'll talk all the time. This never happens ladies and gentlemen. NEVER. I've kept a semi decent relationship with all of my ex's, and as of right now, 50% of them won't ever talk to me again (so they say), and 1 of those 3 i'd like to talk to. The other ones are a waste of my time. I can't help but notice that 20 minutes ago, it was "I'll always be here for you too," and now it's "I can't talk to you anymore, it's the only way I'll ever get over you." Rofl to that.
I hate predicting things like this. I hate just slowly pulling away from someone because you know it's going to end. For once I wish I could just be left. I want a relationship to end like a band aid. I want it to be boom DONE. Not, ah crap, I'm my own worst enemy so this is going to end, better get ready for it.
Let's clear things up right here right now. I cheated once. I don't give a flying monkeys blue butt what every girl thinks, I needed someone and they were there for me and that is that. If you weren't so selfish sometimes, you could have realized that. I didn't tell the truth because the truth gets us where we are today. With you not talking to me. I would have told you, yeah I really would have, but I would have waited to where we could talk about it, not have it be this dumb thing. [Girls, never say you're over something. You aren't. Trust is the most important thing to a relationship. Don't think you can carry on without. I'm not saying things can't be worked out, but don't bury something for it to come up later.] The reason why I'm Ok with this, is because you told me you had feelings for someone, and you CONTINUSLY spent time with him, EVEN after he kissed you. I'm sorry, but fuck that. I can't cuddle, but you can hang out with him all the time? Yeah, that's bull. Our relationship ended when you continued to spend time with him. I still thought we had a chance, I figured once I moved up we'd clear things up, but I was wrong. You let rumors run our relationship, you let people 800 miles away tell you what was going on, people I NEVER SEE or TALK TO. I'll take blame for you losing trust in me, but you ruined our relationship. You never came to me when you heard something, you went to someone else. Screw that. You ended this. You can ask anyone, you can tell them the story and the might say it's my fault, but I know. Cause it's not like I sat around waiting for you, finding ways to kill time. I almost sacrificed everything for you, and I was would have in a heart beat. I would have given everything I had to you. Even though no one had faith in us. I believed. I never doubted. But forget that.
I didn't say this to you because I don't want to argue. It's not worth either our emotion or time. But I'm putting it down on this, cause whether or not you read it, I needed to get it off my chest. I've been mentally aware this would happen, but emotionally I'm in a state of shock still. At the end of the day, how things progress is completely up to you. I'm offering you the same thing I did all the others. I'm still here as your best friend, because that's what I was before we took this to the next level. If you don't want me as that, that's Ok.

Keep Me Where The Light Is

Wow. Just when you think you have everything organized and planned, life throws you a curve. There is nothing like watching your future crumble right before your eyes, let me tell you.
So here I am, my plans having become non existent no less then an hour ago, and I can't help but be optimistic. I mean, I feel empty. Honestly, part of me died today. Yet here I am, knowing inside me that things will work out. Yeah, I guess I don't give up. I mean, Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking back and smiling on everything that just happened. To be honest, right now I'm in a super screwed situation. I don't have a place to live. But whatever, I'll work it out.
This is Karma. I've screwed with too many hearts in my life time. This is why I'm OK with this. I had this one coming.