Nope. I can't. Damn

Inhale

I can do this. 

Exhale

Two weeks has never looked this long before. 

Sometimes I do self destructive things. Sometimes I'm heartless, cold even. 

I've created an exterior persona since I've moved here. He doesn't have a boundary and he doesn't have a filter.  He's the "bad boy" I had to keep inside me all those years I was following the rules and playing the part and living a lie. I moved to Boston, and I let him out. And he did what he was suppose to, he broke hearts and he broke rules. 

I've been here for a year and a half, and I've been that guy almost the entire time. 

Lately, the old me is creeping back, slowly regaining control. I'm not saying I'll be going back to church or any of that. I just feel like I was happier being the good guy.

So that's what I'm going to be. 

Over Thinking

Yesterday morning I came to the conclusion that I've been thinking too much about this whole situation. So, I've stopped thinking and decided to let my heart guide me (cheesy sounding as it is, that's how I feel).

After one day, I'm much happier. Instead of dwelling on the problem, I'm just enjoying what I do have. And god do I enjoy what I have

I'm trying to be optimistic, but this really, really, sucks. I can never, ever catch a break. 

Shouldn't I be used to it by now? Shouldn't this just be another chip on the block? 

I NEED A VACATION!

I'm feeling hopeless, empty, stupid, regretful, pathetic, weak, depressed, stressed, second best, but most of all just plain sad...

Like the last 6-9 months of my life were a complete and utter waste of my time. Like all I have to show for the emotion and tears I put into not just something, but someone, somehow helped them get into a position where they are comfortable with what they have.


The lesson I learned from 2009 is that I can walk all over someone, cheat on them, and generally define the phrase "to use somebody". All I have to do is find someone vulnerable and be there for them until they recover. The word "Love" is just a tool I can use to get what I need.


I hear women (and men) complain about wanting their boyfriends/husbands to do more for them, well guess what, I did more and in turn I got used. And I'm sorry, but that's the only way I can define what's happened to me; I've been used.


I'm at a fork in my life. This is where I turn into the cynical asshole, the heart breaker, THAT guy people talk about when they spread rumors behind my back. Or I stay the same, continue to wear my heart on my sleeve. I can bite the bullet and forge forward, because at the end of the day I'll look back at this and say "God, I really learned a lot from that." It's scary to me that another persons poor choices will change the core of who I am.


And the last thing I want to hear right now is the words, "I understand."


YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND. If you understood, you wouldn't be reading these words. 


Everyone shows their age,
                one way or another.
                       I'm showing mine by writing this blog. 
                             


But honestly I rather be typing out my thoughts on a keyboard at 3am than in your shoes.

Thought.

If I had to describe my life with one word, it would be indecisive. I can't make up my mind about anything. I'm not Ok with it.