Self Awareness

Damage control:

•  I seriously lack the ability to take a deep breath, step back, and take things slow. 
• I think It's because I'm power hungry. 
• I think it's because I'm attention starved
• I think it's because I wasn't loved enough as a kid

I'm like a supernova, I blow up. I'm everywhere at once. I overwhelm.

I can have a successful night by any standard, and fret about it. Over think it. Try to fix something that wasn't wrong in the first place.

I try to balance fake over confidence with fake under confidence.


I'm just normal. yet I'm anything but


I am way to willing to give up personal details. I am way to willing to argue over mundane issues.

I will bring up my past. It will surprise you. You will wonder why you're out with me. I will win you back.

I am charming. I am out spoken. I am a great listener.

You don't know it yet, but If you give me time, I will win you over.

And yeah, I have an ego.

Writing here to get things off ones chest seems frivolous now that I think about it.

 I wish I had someone who would listen, maybe even care.

I just want to emphasize, despite the fact I usually come here to unload my frustrations, I am thankful for everything I have and the opportunities I have. I can sit here and complain about my girl issues, but hey, at least I have a great girl to have issues with, and good friend to complain about her to. I am lucky enough to have two jobs, and yeah one sucks but it's better than nothing. 

If I may, I'd like to be selfish for once and say that I worked hard and only through a lot of blood and sweat did I manage to be as comfortable as I am today. 

Yada yada etc.

It looks like spring is finally coming. I'm in shorts and a sleeveless shirt, with my window open wide, letting the sounds of the neighborhood fill my ears. I'm in a decent mood,  hoping I can put as much space between myself and the winter blues that plagued me for the last few months.

That being said, I've made no forward progression in my personal life. Sometimes I feel like it's more of a convenience thing for me now. It's inconveniently convenient. Yet time in time again I am reminded of why I got into this situation in the first place. It's hard to walk away from something that feels so right. It's even harder when you see that person everyday.

But with a new job on the horizon, who knows what might happen. I think it will be the end. Or the beginning. We'll see

I Probably Hate You Right Now

I'm sick:

• of people who are in/have been in shitty relationships trying to give me advice.
• of being a side show, a convenience, a solution to a distance problem, a solution to sexual needs, a shoulder to cry on.... 
• just thinking about how pathetic I've been the last few months. 
• of feeling like I'm not worth it. In my bones, just FEELING it.
• of hearing the words "I really like you"

and generally speaking:


I'm sick of being a boyfriend, but not having a girlfriend.

Nope. I can't. Damn

Inhale

I can do this. 

Exhale

Two weeks has never looked this long before. 

Sometimes I do self destructive things. Sometimes I'm heartless, cold even. 

I've created an exterior persona since I've moved here. He doesn't have a boundary and he doesn't have a filter.  He's the "bad boy" I had to keep inside me all those years I was following the rules and playing the part and living a lie. I moved to Boston, and I let him out. And he did what he was suppose to, he broke hearts and he broke rules. 

I've been here for a year and a half, and I've been that guy almost the entire time. 

Lately, the old me is creeping back, slowly regaining control. I'm not saying I'll be going back to church or any of that. I just feel like I was happier being the good guy.

So that's what I'm going to be. 

Over Thinking

Yesterday morning I came to the conclusion that I've been thinking too much about this whole situation. So, I've stopped thinking and decided to let my heart guide me (cheesy sounding as it is, that's how I feel).

After one day, I'm much happier. Instead of dwelling on the problem, I'm just enjoying what I do have. And god do I enjoy what I have

I'm trying to be optimistic, but this really, really, sucks. I can never, ever catch a break. 

Shouldn't I be used to it by now? Shouldn't this just be another chip on the block? 

I NEED A VACATION!

I'm feeling hopeless, empty, stupid, regretful, pathetic, weak, depressed, stressed, second best, but most of all just plain sad...

Like the last 6-9 months of my life were a complete and utter waste of my time. Like all I have to show for the emotion and tears I put into not just something, but someone, somehow helped them get into a position where they are comfortable with what they have.


The lesson I learned from 2009 is that I can walk all over someone, cheat on them, and generally define the phrase "to use somebody". All I have to do is find someone vulnerable and be there for them until they recover. The word "Love" is just a tool I can use to get what I need.


I hear women (and men) complain about wanting their boyfriends/husbands to do more for them, well guess what, I did more and in turn I got used. And I'm sorry, but that's the only way I can define what's happened to me; I've been used.


I'm at a fork in my life. This is where I turn into the cynical asshole, the heart breaker, THAT guy people talk about when they spread rumors behind my back. Or I stay the same, continue to wear my heart on my sleeve. I can bite the bullet and forge forward, because at the end of the day I'll look back at this and say "God, I really learned a lot from that." It's scary to me that another persons poor choices will change the core of who I am.


And the last thing I want to hear right now is the words, "I understand."


YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND. If you understood, you wouldn't be reading these words. 


Everyone shows their age,
                one way or another.
                       I'm showing mine by writing this blog. 
                             


But honestly I rather be typing out my thoughts on a keyboard at 3am than in your shoes.

Thought.

If I had to describe my life with one word, it would be indecisive. I can't make up my mind about anything. I'm not Ok with it.

Triangles

At the end of the day, I'm gonna brush this off my shoulder, but right now I just wanna say that I'm completely blown away. Mouth agape, jaw on the floor, starstruck. I'm continuously putting myself in situations that are going to turn me heartless; that are turning me into this persona I've created in my head. I might as well tear my heart out and give it to someone else to use, It's that worthless to me. That's how I feel.

But then logic kicks in, and I realize bitches be crazy, and I have terrible taste in women. I find great girls, smart, witty, fun...but they are all missing a kink in their god damned minds. They are all suffering from "I"m gonna turn crazy after a brief period of time" syndrome. They suffer from "I left my CD's in his car, and I can't just leave 50 CD's" disease.

I'm gonna masturbate using my tears for lubricant now.

I have decided the reason why I am upset is I have absolutely no power in this current ordeal. I talk to other girls, and I can will them to do what I want. This girl knows she owns me, and it's sad. I need to get my balls back

And with a bang

I'm back.

And by bang I mean I really, really enjoy setting myself up for heartbreak. It's like my flavor, I don't know. I sit here wanting to be angry, wanting an excuse to be upset, to feel anything but what's inside my right now. Which is nothing. I'm a shell, I'm muscle and bones, nothing else. A void of a man, nothing quite does it poetic justice. And as much as I want to spew this entire thing off my chest, I know gives a damn. No one cares. That's the thing that sucks the most, no one cares at all... I have no one at all.

I won't be sleeping tonight, and I don't plan on sleep until I can't bear it anymore.

Happy to be back

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZwVjys2bQI

The Internets

The internet is used for so many stupid, useless things (see pornography). If you look in the right places though, you can find something beautiful.

Kuroshio Sea - 2nd largest aquarium tank in the world - (song is Please don't go by Barcelona) from Jon Rawlinson on Vimeo.

Ah Yes

This last week has been great. Mainly because of parties...and alcohol. Things I've learned in the past couple days:

• I'm much more popular when taken in short doses
  
• Not only can I dance, I can enjoy it... but only after rum/vodka is consumed
• I need to party with 21+ people.
  
• Brazilian girls think I'm sexy.
• I think Brazilian girls are sexy
• rum and cherry coke is delicious, but drinking cheap vodka from the bottle is much more fun
• Never be afraid to ask for a number, because even if she rejects you, when are you going to see that bitch again.
• ^that girl was actually really, really nice. and librarian sexy to boot.
• Never stay at the party where your ex is passed out
  

My Top 5

My top 5 favorite MJ songs:

1: PYT


2. Smooth Criminal


3. Wanna Be Startin' Something


4. They Don't Care About Us


5.The Way You Make Me Feel