Self Awareness

Damage control:

•  I seriously lack the ability to take a deep breath, step back, and take things slow. 
• I think It's because I'm power hungry. 
• I think it's because I'm attention starved
• I think it's because I wasn't loved enough as a kid

I'm like a supernova, I blow up. I'm everywhere at once. I overwhelm.

I can have a successful night by any standard, and fret about it. Over think it. Try to fix something that wasn't wrong in the first place.

I try to balance fake over confidence with fake under confidence.


I'm just normal. yet I'm anything but


I am way to willing to give up personal details. I am way to willing to argue over mundane issues.

I will bring up my past. It will surprise you. You will wonder why you're out with me. I will win you back.

I am charming. I am out spoken. I am a great listener.

You don't know it yet, but If you give me time, I will win you over.

And yeah, I have an ego.

Writing here to get things off ones chest seems frivolous now that I think about it.

 I wish I had someone who would listen, maybe even care.

I just want to emphasize, despite the fact I usually come here to unload my frustrations, I am thankful for everything I have and the opportunities I have. I can sit here and complain about my girl issues, but hey, at least I have a great girl to have issues with, and good friend to complain about her to. I am lucky enough to have two jobs, and yeah one sucks but it's better than nothing. 

If I may, I'd like to be selfish for once and say that I worked hard and only through a lot of blood and sweat did I manage to be as comfortable as I am today. 

Yada yada etc.

It looks like spring is finally coming. I'm in shorts and a sleeveless shirt, with my window open wide, letting the sounds of the neighborhood fill my ears. I'm in a decent mood,  hoping I can put as much space between myself and the winter blues that plagued me for the last few months.

That being said, I've made no forward progression in my personal life. Sometimes I feel like it's more of a convenience thing for me now. It's inconveniently convenient. Yet time in time again I am reminded of why I got into this situation in the first place. It's hard to walk away from something that feels so right. It's even harder when you see that person everyday.

But with a new job on the horizon, who knows what might happen. I think it will be the end. Or the beginning. We'll see

I Probably Hate You Right Now

I'm sick:

• of people who are in/have been in shitty relationships trying to give me advice.
• of being a side show, a convenience, a solution to a distance problem, a solution to sexual needs, a shoulder to cry on.... 
• just thinking about how pathetic I've been the last few months. 
• of feeling like I'm not worth it. In my bones, just FEELING it.
• of hearing the words "I really like you"

and generally speaking:


I'm sick of being a boyfriend, but not having a girlfriend.